How To Have Healthy & Authentic Relationships: 7 Strategies for Increasing Intimacy
How To Have Healthy, Genuine & Authentic Relationships
7 Strategies for Increasing Intimacy
Relationships inevitably bring up all of our triggers and childhood wounds. This makes them the best area for growth and learning, but it's incredibly hard. We all have edges to our vulnerability, places where we are scared to go deeper and reveal our truer more authentic selves. And yet, when we hide in our relationships, the inner critical voices get louder, shame and anxiety come up, and we feel objectively more lonely and less happy. In fact, having healthy relationships are the greatest predictor of happiness! So, here are a few of my best strategies for taking care of yourself in relationships, showing up more vulnerably, and deepening intimacy in any kind of relationship.
1. What we hide, haunts us
Anything that we withhold from people in relationships, can haunt us in many forms.
A lot of us subconsciously avoid showing up authentically. Of course, we can’t really always be fully present in every moment, and we have so many aspects of ourselves, so we show up differently in different contexts. That is not wrong or bad, but that becomes hurtful to us when we feel like we have to hide aspects of ourselves when we’re afraid of other people’s judgment, if we constantly or consistently feel shame and think that we have to perform in order for us to attain love. We also tend to think that we have to over give and when we don’t ask what we need, we hide. And what we hide, haunts us. Anything that we withhold from people about how we really feel, and what we really believe, will haunt us in the form of the inner critic, shame, or even anxiety, and depression
2. Tend to your inner child
Be with your inner child before you decide to go into a crucial or critical conversation with someone. When something triggers us it is crucial to speak to our inner child first, because often when we are activated by something, it’s the inner child that is hurt or upset, not our adult brain. It is easy to think that something someone else would do or say would make us feel better. This may be true, but what our inner child craves most is our own validation. Relationships help bring up some of our deepest oldest wounds so we can heal them. Relationships can offer us the biggest potential for personal and shared growth, when we learn to tolerate the conflict, ask for what we need, and are vulnerable.
3. Determine what you need
Determine what you need and ask for it, while releasing the expectation of receiving. This is hard. Especially for us who grew up kind of in a household that believed children should be seen and not heard. Many of us are not used to even knowing what we need, often being raised to think that it is not okay to have needs or we may automatically assume our needs are not going to be met.
If you do this, it is crucial to really reflect and think about what it is that you actually need and to kind of take stock. The critical part here is releasing the expectations, because if we’re gone through a lifetime of not getting what we need, asking for it can not only feel really threatening but getting a not from someone can also feel really threatening.
4. What Is Your Role In the Dynamic?
What is your role in the dynamics of the relationships? How might you be contributing to what’s at play? The most typical example: When we aren’t authentic in our relationships when we don’t show up vulnerably or aren’t truthful with people, we subconsciously eliminate the possibility for ourselves to feel loved for who we are. If we show up in any way that isn’t really authentic, then, of course, we’re not going to feel loved and we’re not going to feel like people really see or hear us.
Remember not to blame or shame yourself but to know that every relationship is a co-created dynamic.
5. Intimacy Is In Being Seen
Intimacy is not us meeting other people’s needs or the other way around. It is usually just about being seen.
Intimacy is built not necessarily in meeting each other’s needs. Often, especially in the romantic relationship dynamics, it is thought that when we are able to meet our partner’s needs or they’re able to meet ours, that’s when the intimacy gets stronger. Well, this can be the case, but not always. What I learned over the years is that it is not quite as important for us to constantly be meeting someone else’s needs or for them to meet ours. True intimacy is built in being able to see each other’s desires, wounds, and needs as valid.
6. Share Your Vision For The Relationship
We sometimes do this in romantic relationships, but we certainly don’t tend to do this in friendships. Do you know what your best friend’s vision for your relationship is? It might be good time to ask.
Sharing your vision for the relationship is crucial because you might then notice that there are discrepancies in what you each want for the future. We can let go of the expectation or the obligation for a friendship to be exactly what we want it to be because everyone has different areas they want to go deeper and areas where they don’t.
7. Know It’s Not Personal
Know what the way another person might respond to you is not personal. It took me so long to internalize and learn this. Everyone has their own worldview, their own beliefs, their own coping strategies, and their own ways of dealing with conflict. When you go into a crucial conversation or you are willing to take the risk to be more vulnerable with someone, one of the things I found very helpful is to say off the bat is “I know you didn’t intend to…” or “I know this isn’t personal” but to still share how the person’s actions impacted you.
Much love,
Jaz