Signs You May Be People-Pleasing/Fawning As A Trauma Response
Signs You May Be People-Pleasing/Fawning As A Trauma Response
There’s A Fourth Trauma Response: It’s Called Fawning (Appeasing/People Pleasing)
Do you identify as a people pleaser or have the tendency to appease others above and in spite of your own needs, beliefs, and desires? It’s all too common and nothing to be shamed of. I was a people pleaser for years, and struggled to move through it until I learned that people pleasing can be a result of trauma. Trauma has many layered and complex effects on our bodies, minds, and relationships. Ever heard of the nervous system responses to trauma and extreme stress: fight, flight, and freeze? Well, there’s a fourth one and it’s called : appease (aka fawning or people pleasing). People pleasing, at the root, can be a response that we learn early on in life. We discover that in order to stay safe we must appease mom or dad, be good, not make a fuss. We learn that when they're ok, we'll be ok.
If you identify as a people pleaser, you may not realize that people-pleasing is actually a survival strategy, that needs to be honored and unlearned slowly as we move through our healing process. Over time, we can implement strategies for becoming more boundaried, confident, and building self-esteem.
Signs of People Pleasing/Fawning:
Having a hard time setting boundaries or saying "no"
Excessive guilt to shame when you make a mistake or when someone's expectations of you aren't met
A sense of identity rooted in being the helper or fixer or healer
Feeling you have to earn approval through actions or service
Putting on a front or pretending to be ok with things even when it doesn't sit well with you
Being afraid to share your truest beliefs out of fear someone will challenge or disagree with them
Saying sorry often or blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault
Being deeply empathic and understanding how others are feeling but rarely feeling understood yourself
Adapting or bend to others needs, having a hard time advocating for yourself
Not knowing what your needs are
Neglecting self-care and diving into others' personal problems to avoid your own
Idealizing self-neglect and self-sacrifice for others
Rarely asking for help or support, often in one sided friendships
The Impact of People-Pleasing / Fawning
These behaviors can:
erode self esteem,
disconnect you from yourself because you leave yourself to go do things for others
lead to depression and anxiety and anger
lead to outbursts of big feelings
lead to overwhelm and burnout
impact physical health
make your relationships feel inauthentic, tenuous, and weak
leave you feeling alone and unsupported
Childhood Trauma, Subconscious Beliefs & People Pleasing
I do believe that people-pleasing starts really early, and at the root of it we’re acting out the childhood wounds of these deep subconscious believes. Some of these deeply subconscious beliefs may be:
"no one will love me unless I prove my worthiness"
"no one loves me for who I am, only what I can do for them"
"I'm totally on my own when it comes to meeting my needs they will not be met"
"I am responsible for your mood, if I make you happy, then I'm safe"
"I am not important/I am unlovable/unworthy"
Ultimately undoing people pleasing is about healing trauma, feeling safe in your body, honoring your needs, building your self-esteem and being willing to stand with yourself. This is a slow process, especially when it comes to building up your self-esteem, which is built by engaging in courageous, vulnerable, essteemable acts (a term coined by Francine Ward)
“Self-esteem comes from DOING Esteemable Acts, and it’s an Esteemable Act to be conscious of your actions. Think about it like this – if you behave authentically, you’ll stay true to your values and be able to set realistic expectations for yourself and for others.”
