On Trusting Yourself to Show Up + Allowing Yourself to Be Seen
Ever since I can remember, I've been paralyzed getting up on a stage of any kind. As a young one, all recitals, auditions, shows, even phone calls put me on the spot and had me hiding under the covers. This stage fright was not necessarily centered around feeling judged, although that was certainly part of it.
The fear stemmed from a feeling that I didn't trust myself to show up fully. I was most frustrated by the thought that because I was mortified, people didn't get to see the real me, only a frightened, fraction of myself. I was constantly left with the feeling that I can do better.
It wasn't motivating; it was incredibly deflating.
I was totally baffled by the fact that my shower singing voice was remarkably similar to Jewel, while my onstage voice was all too reminiscent of a breathy Miranda Sings (minus the confidence).
That distinct feeling - that there's more of me waiting to emerge, didn't leave. Although my interests shifted from performing to teaching, research, and psychology, still, I felt compartmentalized.
It was as if only 30% of who I am was active at any moment, and the other 70% was hiding in the shadows.
That feeling left me restless to find the right spaces and opportunities to show up. I was unconsciously asking in any community or situation "can I reveal more of me here?" And at the slightest hint of pressure or resistance, I'd retreat.
The Trauma Response of "Acceptability"
As I'd come to learn later, much of this was a coping strategy adapted from years of trauma. As survivors, we learn early on what is acceptable and what is not. We are hyper-vigilant, and ultra-aware of what feelings or behaviors are "appropriate" at any given moment. It's almost as if we have a catalogue we sort through to determine what is a "pleasing" or "acceptable" way to show up. We do this to survive, at first, and it works to shield us from pain or punishment.
Yet, later on, when we are around more loving and trustworthy people, we consistently underestimate others' capacity to see us in nuance, complexity, and imperfection. We undermine our chances at being seen, because we refuse to reveal what's beneath the veneer of acceptability. While healing in community is crucial, and relational wounds are healed in relationship, ultimately, I learned that the person whose approval and acceptance I was really seeking was my own. It is truly our own energy that we crave. To be proud, filled to the brim with delight, curiosity, and sweet acceptance of who we are and are becoming.
What would it take for you to feel that true sense of satisfaction with who you are?
I used to feel I had to earn that self-acceptance through achievement, accomplishment, a hard "work ethic". But that left me spinning my wheels to prove a point and bend over backwards just to feel satisfied with myself. I wouldn't let myself rest until all the boxes were checked on my to-do list, and all the goals were hit. The vision I cast for my life was not the problem, my approach to getting there was. As I soon learned, becoming more fully you would always include at least a little bit of fear and doubt and uncertainty.
All the fears, doubt, confusion, and pain aren't the enemy, they are the medicine.
They come up to to show you who you really are.
They push you to choose your own sense of acceptance over external approval, your version of joy over that of society's.
That's why I'm such a nerd about goal setting and visioning and being multi-passionate. I truly believe your heart is trying to talk to you, and I never want to see fear, doubt or uncertainty get in the way of you grounding into yourself and doing what you're here to do.
All of you is ready to emerge, and if you know this on a deeper level, I want to support you inside of Meaningful Time Management. Click on the link for details!
much love,
Jaz
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