The Authority Wound: Healing Our Relationship To Personal Power
After such a nail-biting election process in the US, I've been thinking about our personal relationship to authority: how we carry it or avoid in ourselves, where we've contributed to toxic or illegitimate authority, and the role of our personal and collective trauma in how we relate to authority.
Most of us are plagued with what I like to call: The Authority Wound:
This skewed relationship to authority can happen as a result of childhood trauma, ancestral wounding, or systemic oppression to name a few. To a greater or lesser degree, most of us have a challenging relationship to authority.
In the U.S. right now, we have a poor sense of what empowered leadership and legitimate authority looks like. We've seen abuses of power so heinous, we barely flinch or notice. We've normalized the weaponization of fear to hold "power-over". And it's led to some desperately seeking to retain safety and security through the current power structure, others, equating power with violence, seeking to throw out systems altogether.
In truth, power is neither good nor bad, power is a pure force, and how we use it, claim it, and own it, matters. As my friend, a brilliant anti-racist trainer and organizer likes to say "Power is delicious." The biggest transgression would be losing our sense of personal authority and power altogether.
So what are signs of the authority wound & how do we heal it?
Loss of Self-Trust
On an individual level, the authority wound is manifested as a loss of trust in ourselves. We stop trusting our intuition, our gut, our choices. We seek answers elsewhere. We betray ourselves by engaging in actions that bring us farther way from ourselves. We blame ourselves for that which was not our fault. We ask: How did I let this happen? Did I deserve this? Did I ask for this? We intimately feel a sense of inability to keep ourselves safe, likely with unreasonable expectations.
Personal Signs of The Authority Wound
loss of self-trust
self-betrayal
a loud and harsh inner critic
feeling powerless
using excessive self-discipline or self-punishment
Peeling Away The Masks
On a family or interpersonal level, the authority wound is often found in the absence of a comforting, nurturing, and responsible caregiver - and the continued abuse by our own "inner critic". All of us had imperfect caregivers. But those of us with deep authority wounds often grew up with either a neglectful caregiver, or an authoritarian caregiver - often one who was struggling and traumatized themselves. This could look like a caregiver who was dissociated, emotionally absent, or never developed a strong sense of inner authority and personal power themselves, and thus couldn’t offer a strong container to their children. This can also look like one who uses force, excessive discipline, and punishment, or projected an image of the "all knowing" caregiver. As children, we are so adept at picking up on these subtle cues - the insecurity or inauthenticity of the masks the adults in our lives wore. We become extremely adept at learning what the adults in our lives needed, and as adults, we continue the cycle of "please and appease" equating this hypersensitivity with safety and survival.
Interpersonal Signs of The Authority Wound
constant guilt or shame for situations beyond our control
looking to others for permission or validation
imposter syndrome
seeking to prove oneself to those deemed in-charge
people pleasing/fawning
evading responsibility or leadership for fear of taking up too much space or disappointing people
Giving Our Power Away
On the institutional or societal level, the authority wound is seen in our collective obsession with a hero, a genius, a guru, or an all-knowing mentor. We idolize celebrities, experts, or specialists. When we tell the tales of greatness, we often spin the story to highlight the single act of courage, often leaving out not only the years of trials but also the confluence of factors that came together to make that moment possible. Rosa Parks comes to mind, as someone who history wrote into a quiet woman who was thrust into greatness in a single bout of activism, leaving out her many past attempts at justice and the movements that fought for decades before. It makes me wonder, what does that do to a collective psyche - one where we are constantly trying to find our moment of greatness, prove our worth, comparing ourselves to mere fragments of whole people, forgetting that failure and missteps are all par for the course? As a culture, we've become all too accustomed to handing our power away to the "experts" - religious leaders, personal development coaches, political leaders, or anyone who claims to have the answer, often at the price of autonomy.
Collective Signs of the Authority Wound
Culture of expertise: for example, listening to expert advice at the expense of one's own gut feeling
Knowledge hierarchy: for example, denigrating or appropriating ancient wisdom for western models
A move towards more extremes: celebrating a single unchecked leader or celebrating structurelessness
While we are seeing and feeling the impact of illegitimate or abusive authority, how do we build, both personally and collectively, a sense of rightful and earned authority?
Developing personal authority comes from learning how to:
Become unashamed of your own messy humanness, so you can see it in your leaders, bosses, and inspirations.
At some point we realize that all of the people we thought "had it all together" - don't. At some point, our mentors, parents, gurus, and experts fail us in more ways than one. In the moment it can be devastating, but it can also be the moment that we realize, we too will disappoint others, act out of integrity, and not live up to others' expectations. When we get more comfortable with not "having it all together," with our glaring imperfections and our messy humanness, we embrace our true humanity. When we release the shame and expectation, we can more easily access our inherent greatness.
Take imperfect action
Perfectionism kills dreams, wastes times, and stops us from making the very "mistakes" that build confidence and personal power. Some of us trick ourselves into thinking confidence comes from knowledge or working through our traumas. But no one has ever gained confidence from doing, well...nothing. In fact, confidence almost always comes from imperfect action, and thus allows us to claim personal authority.
Play & experiment
One of the most powerful antidotes to the authority wound is play. Many of us were not allowed to be children when we were young, we were too busy trying to figure out how to be an adult. Reclaiming play and experimentation is the true antidote to the sense of pressure and seriousness that plague our daily lives.
Choose your personal integrity over others' opinions
We are hardwired for social belonging, and it's ok to value feeling that sense of belonging. However, knowing when it comes at the cost of your integrity is crucial. There is nothing that supports a sense of personal authority than knowing what you believe in and becoming a living example of it.
Here's to owning all aspects of yourself and finding your personal authority.
Much love,
Jaz